I knew that this would be a long entry so I simply couldn’t express myself in Chinese for such a long time. I have decided that I will definitely go overseas to study and I will try my utmost to see that I fulfill my dream. Then remember that I was mentioning that I want to leave Singapore as soon as possible? Well, in addition to that plan, I plan to leave this house as soon as possible.
Well, the additional plan was something that I have been thinking about for a very long time already. Well, I certainly have a problem with everyone in the house. The elder sister that I had known for so many years is really getting more and more distant from me. As time pass, there is a fast metamorphosis of her becoming more and more like my mother-nagging too much. My mother like I said nags too much and well, I do know that there are a lot of things not within her control but she makes us feel the heat too. My father most of the time doesn’t really bother about me, the only times when he really did will be he times when it all ends up in a beating. My younger sister is just forever so irritating, 3 out of 5 things that she does just don’t go down well with me. Is this about being an adolescence or teenager? I certainly did not have most of these problems when I was in secondary school. Maybe it is me who is asking too much of everyone else or taking for granted but there must be some external reason too right? Well, at least, it takes 2 hands to clap right?
I nearly always see other people’s family being more like a family than my own.
This house which I return to every night sometimes seems to me nothing more than returning to a place of familiar surroundings and faces. It totally does not feel like family. It is ironic right? When I hear other people complaining about their family member being this and that, I kind of take it in a different stride. Is it one of those the grass seems greener on the other side thingy? Or is it I can’t put myself in their shoes simply because I am really not in their shoes? I really don’t know. Maybe it’s just 家家有本难言. It is evident that my parents are changing their parenting style as seen from their change from more punishment to more reasoning when it comes to teaching/disciplining the child. Whatever it is, it really doesn’t matter to me anymore. In the past year, my heart has grown strangely cold towards everything especially the way I view the quality of family ties in this household. It seems to me that it was in some distant past when I was still of age 14 or younger that I used to tell my parents, especially my mother about this and that. After sometime, I gradually realized that she isn’t really listening. But can I blame her? Probably tired from work and there are other more important or immediate things that she has got at hand. Whatever the reason it may be, I seldom speak of how’s my day or share whatever I would have so eager shared in the past. There is no more love in this family anymore, everyone is taking everyone else for granted. Love may can be expressed in words or action but there is less and less of it being felt in this household. From my point of view, it’s just a matter of duty, responsibility and being domineering to another person. The love for my family is really minimal, not that it doesn’t exist.
This family thingy is one of the minor reasons that I want to go overseas and study. The main reason that I want to go for overseas education is that I totally cannot stand being in this education system anymore. I used to think that everyone who comes out from the education system is like products from a factory, minimal variance. With the education system and other changes occurring in the recent months, especially so after the swearing in of a new prime minister, I am still pessimistic about it. Yes, we are changing the environment, maybe it will be exciting to be part of this change, I really don’t know but I know that I seriously yearn to go out for another world beyond he shore of this tiny island. University education overseas has this very strong attractive force that is to be able to show me a different culture, meet different people and learn of their culture for about 3-4 years and I think that that will be a really refreshing experience and one that I will value a lot. Another important factor is that it is less competitive and less stress overseas. Maybe it is about the same but to me, a little lesser, no matter how much will do fine with me.
Then there is this other thing that I was thinking about studying overseas. I will be thrown into a whole new society that is very different from Singapore. that could be good or bad news, I need to click in or will fall out and be a true in true outcast. I would seriously rather risk this than anything else. Then I will find out if I truly value being overseas, if I can really migrate which is also my wish in general.
I have decided that unless I am doing medicine locally, all else I will apply for overseas university and get a scholarship for that. If I study overseas, I will prefer a life science related course to a Arts and social sciences course but these are the other 2 courses that I have in mind. But we all know that local medicine is very competitive that given that I do not have “S” papers and that I don’t have very outstanding SAT scores, I will most likely end up overseas. The plan is to wait till I get my A level results next year then I will see if I am good enough. Then if possible, I will apply for local medicine, overseas universities and scholarship. Can’t go US unless I take SAT1 again plus SAT2 but the scores are really bad. As for the UK in universities, I will avoid London college’s for the living expanses are just crazy, let alone that the pound is already 3 times the worth of the Sing dollar, not to mention an addition inflation of 3 % yearly. So looking ouside the UK and US, focusing on the all Asian popular Australia? Will check out more about such stuff these few days.
Frankly speaking, all this time that I am thinking about the possibility of going for an overseas higher education, I did think about my China boyfriend and I. currently I am very reluctant for us to part but I really do not want to study local. Ever thought about studying in local but think I will have a hard time adapting to having the medium of teaching and stuff as Chinese
But yet again, if I were to fail, as in unable to qualify for scholarship, I will definitely have to do my university studies local. Then, I will most probably go to other universities besides NUS and NTU. Full-time or part-time? I don’t know. If that is really the case, I will probably move out with a friend or something. But currently, studying local is the last thing I want to do. Seriously, I just can’t picture myself studying locally, especially in NUS and NTU. Maybe at most it’s business at SMU? Well whatever it is it is just that I am going to mug very hard for the As.
